its been so so long since i last updated my dusty blog. afew times, i wanted to, but somehow i just feel lazy.
i have the sudden urge to blog tonight. i thought maybe i have expressed enough to my friends on how i am doing so far. to the eyes of many, probably they would think i am doing okay. but deep within me, i am hurting... so so bad. i have given every bit of my love to this man, and thought maybe, i could just settle down with him. surely, there has been so many rough patches, but still....i thought that brought us closer? i know how i shouldnt be so demanding, and sometimes, overlook matters, but...have i not expressed my love enough? or am still too young and naive to understand all these? i know how they say women are complicated. but complicated or not, to most women, they give their full dedication when they know they have found the right one. i know most men, are the same as well. but i just dont understand why the other half of those men, take women's love for granted? im just saying this in general though. but i felt that, maybe i was the one who took things or him, for granted. i wasnt appreciative enough, or maybe im just a dumbass who thinks she's always right? i dont know..
God knows just how many times a day, i just wished i had the guts to pick up my phone, call him and say, "hey how're you? do u know just how much i missed u? and that ur always on my mind?". or maybe just pretend all these shit hadnt happen at all, and that i would just say, "yg, u tgh buat ape? i love u very much". i'd like to see the reaction on his face! haha.
so i can think of all the possibilities and the craziest things.. but that doesnt mean i would have the guts to do so. well maybe once or twice, i almost did it, but then i think again... he might just be happy with someone else, and that my appearence would just make things complicated or make him hate me even more. maybe thats not a bad idea at all, aye? let him hate me for all his life, and then coincidentally found out from a friend or something, that actually i have been secretly still in love with him...? hmm. okay no. that's too dramatic. i doubt i'll manage to survive that long. the only time i would probably do that if he's the last man on earth!
i am probably still living in fantasy thinking that all this will soon tide over and that we'll be together once again. the funniest thing would be, i hadnt really lost the feeling i had for him since the day we broke up. he's probably the sweetest mistake ever. having to experience a (almost) 2 years relationship with him speed up the process of growing up. since i was 19, we were an item. i was suddenly a woman.
although, the many friends that i "thought" i lost, (which never was far) i have never actually regretted every single moment of having to know him, or loving him. i will never forget who has brought us together. (beside God, definitely) all these memories... does he really expect me to forget him or rather, find someone better? (he claims) urgh. i feel so fucked up. losing him is like losing a part of my body. sigh
i dont know how people do it. being optimistic and stuff. i mean, i am totally impressed, sure, but it makes me wonder and see myself as such a very soft, WEAK person. this "getting over him" process is really taking its own sweet time. i might just resort to suicide someday (ok seriously, no). but! i might? ok no. its a sin. haha. sigh.
i wish God really has a better plan for me. cause what He's making me experiencing right now, is a real torture. please God.. i hope and wish (you know what), that i'll manage to pull through this obstacle that u have set for me. and hopefully, walk into the right path, and just let me live moderately happy. i wanna gain some weight, have a bright future, and just surounded with the people that i love most. (particularly him? no?)
i thank you for this
i dont know when he'll get a chance to read this, but i hope you're doing well. you're all safe, and happy. and get all the things you desire by now, and also.. forget me not? i know one thing fo' sure i'll never be able to forget you, probably like forever? and and, hopefully, i'll still love you as much. hope to bump into you some time. hehe. and yes, i love you. :)
so to end this long emo post, here's a song that suits the mood right now. Usah Lepaskan - Taufik Batisah aka cutiepie